With Tears still in my eyes!

I had to document this moment before it passed and so without time to dry the tears from my eyes, I'm writing this post. It's time to do it. I mean, I'm already doing it, I've been doing it my whole life. But it's time to stand up proudly, and live out the rest of my life as Justin Friesen. I know this is sort of a bizarre thought, but when you have had to take a moment to step back from yourself, and see what it really going on, this moment, the moment of re-entry, feels like jumping back into my life. The tears still wet on my cheek, are from a series I just watched, thanks to the OWN network (my dear Oprah, you continue to change my life) It was a series called "Why Not, with Shania Twain." I had been putting off watching it, because I was just "TOO BUSY" not a good enough excuse. Finally, after a giant push from my beautiful sister, who couldn't get enough of this series, I finally took the plunge and watched all 6 episodes in the last 2 days. Hearing Shania talk about all the pain and loss in her life, the break up of her marriage, finding a new love, and discovering how much she loves what she does, it all hit my heart right in the middle of the bullseye. I think it so easy to relate to this story because I too have felt like a lot of things are changing in my life, and quickly. Obviously I didn't loose my spouse, and all those other details involved in Shania's story, but when someone opens up, as humans we connected the dots of someone else life, and then parallel them to our own life (that is kinda like this, and this moment is kinda like that one, ohhhh, and that is totally how I felt when this happened to me, man alive, I swear I said that to myself too when this happened to me, or when i realized that) All these thoughts run through my brain, and I accept her feelings and emotions and relate them to my own life when I've felt those same emotions, or pushed certain emotions away. Shania's journey of asking herself why not do it, has opened her up to the world. She forced herself to do things that she was so uncomfortable doing, but she did them anyways, with vigour. It was so inspiring to watch. Now I know, she's Shania Twain, of course she can do it, that is was we all think, but this series really dug deep into the mind of Mrs. Twain, and shed light on many parts of her life that she kept completely silent. To see her struggle, to see her push, to see her battle with herself. These are all things any performer can relate too. She was saying words that have come straight out of my own head.

During the final episode she sings a duet with Lionel Richie, and it seriously blew me away. She said, after trying it quite a few times, "well, I'm just going to have to sing it like Shania would." And it hit me, I don't have to sound like anyone else. This is something I have been told before, but sometimes we don't accept information because we aren't ready to hear it. It's been a constant challenge accepting the voice that comes out of my body, sometimes i love it, sometimes i hate it. Today, I am accepting it, with love and light and laughter. I am accepting it and am going to use it, "Just like Justin Friesen would use it." It is my unique sound, no one else has it. Just ME. Isn't that amazing!! AHHHHHHH. How freaken exciting it that. Every time I open my mouth, it doesn't sound like anyone but ME!!!! OH my goodness, what a relief. I feel so much weight lifted off my shoulders. It doesn't have to be anything but me. I feel like I could shout that over all the rooftops in Brooklyn!!

The tears have dried now, but I still have the emotion surging through my body. To let yourself feel the emotion, for me, is half the battle. That right there is the ability to drop into, and accept the moment that is happening. When you let the emotion take over, your accepting where your body, mind and spirit are taking you! I have become so good at being the confident, nice, kind Justin Friesen, that when different parts of me shine through, I cover them up and make sure people only see what I want them to see. And it's worked this far, because the light that I let shine through is ONLY happy, kind, confident, easy going, and warm. Who doesn't want to be around that, AIHHHHHH, wrong, that can get fake and people start to read that. My teacher said to me, you have these more obvious qualities that radiate out of you, but what about the ones that you hide, those ones are just as important. They are what will make you YOU. What about the emotional Justin, or the Justin that gets annoyed with people, or the Justin that wants to throw things around sometimes because he can't handle how much people put themselves down, how much he puts himself down, AHHHHHH, or the Justin that wants to be chill for one night, or the Justin that wants to be sexy, or the Justin that just wants to be Justin! There is so much light to let through, and that is what the world wants to see. That is why I react when I see Shania Twain opening up to all of her fans and supporters, and it inspires me to sing all the different songs from my heart too! I am going to sing my song, in whatever key i want, and it's going to feel amazing. Today is My Day, and nothing can stand in my Way!!

There you go universe. My two precious cents for this, June 25th 2011, in my apartment in Brooklyn! (you don't know how long I've waited to write that, permanently) STAMP!!

TBC...

J